“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.”
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting.“
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
“He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.”
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
"The trouble with having an open mind is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
"When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
“I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.’”